The Pilot Episode, part two

[charliesmum]

So, I wrote more.

Any suggestions on the old band name? I always thought Thrushcross Grange would be a cool name, but people tell me it is too hard to say. But it's just pretentious enough, don't you think?

Anyway, more of the scene

DENVER: Wait. Let me go.

BILLY: You sure? I’ve seen him in this kind of mood before, it can get really, well boring, quite frankly. There’s only so many times a person can say, “You’re right, you were robbed” before it wears thin, know what I mean?

DENVER: I think I should talk to him. Maybe this is my chance.

BILLY: Chance for what?

DENVER: Oh, you know. One of the reasons I chose a university near Dad was so I could have a chance to really get to know him, and so far I haven’t really had much luck. Something always gets in the way.

BILLY: Like your college major?

DENVER (sighing) Yeah. You’d think after what he went through he’d want me to pick something other than music to dedicate my life to, but no, he seems to think I can be the next, well, the next him, I guess.

BILLY: I know he puts a lot of pressure on you, but it’s because you are so talented.

DENVER: Yeah, but I don’t want to be a musician, I want to be a scientist.

BILLY: Well, frankly I don’t get it either, but it’s your life, kid. Anyway, if you want to talk to him, you’d better go now. Try not to mention Victor by name, and nod a lot. You don’t have to agree with him, just nod. Try to stop him before he calls his agent. He always makes it worse, starts trying to convince Eddie to go on tour as his own solo act. (laughs) Imagine, a solo bassist.

DENVER: Er…what about Sting?

BILLY: Don’t mention that name, either. Good luck, kid. (Denver disappears into the office) You’ll need it.

SCENE TWO: Eddie’s Office
Eddie is pacing around his office, looking at the various pictures on the wall that depict his glory days, he picks up the phone a couple of times, then puts it down again, and starts over again with the pacing. He’s about to pick up the phone again when Denver comes in.

DENVER: Uh, Dad? Can I talk to you a minutes?

EDDIE: (Tries to look cheerful) Sure, Denny, what’s up? Is everything okay?

DENVER: Well, I was going to ask you the same question. You seem…upset.

EDDIE: Upset? Me? No. Why should I be upset? So what if my former so-called best-mate left me in the dirt so he could go on to make millions on his own, get movie offers, a house on every continent. Why should I be bitter?

DENVER: Well, that’s true, Dad. You shouldn’t be bitter. You do have a good life.

EDDIE: know I do, kid. It’s just…Bloody Victor. He’s the reason your mum and I split you know. She wanted to be part of the big success story, and after the band broke up, I wasn’t it any more.

DENVER: I know. Although that’s not exactly how she puts it. But Dad, maybe it’s time to put all this behind you, you know? Just be thankful for what you have.

EDDIE: Is that what they teach you at your university?

DENVER: (grins) No, I read it on a fortune cookie.

EDDIE: Count your blessings, that’s what you’re trying to tell me, right? (Denver nods) I know. I do count them. I’ve got Jennifer, my lovely wife, and Melinda, and a good business, friends…

DENVER: (awkwardly): Me

EDDIE: (looks touched at this comment) Yeah, and you, and I do appreciate it, I really do. It’s just, sometimes, I wish I had more blessings to count.

DENVER: Anyway, you don’t know, Victor might be really unhappy, success doesn’t bring happiness automatically, right?

EDDIE: (laughs) I suppose that’s a possibility. Hey, thanks, Den. You’re better at this than Billy. I mean it was okay back when we were drinking, he’d just bring me a big bottle of Vodka. Now he just nods a lot.

My sister actually dated a boy called Denver.

Is this funny enough, do you think? I'm going with hour long 'Dramady" like Gilmore Girls

Comments

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

There are a couple of things that don't sound right to me, but I'm far from an expert at this either.

[october31st.livejournal.com]

I think Thrushcross Grange may not have enough of a hipster feel to it. There's no rock-star-ish reason to use it - it's just a location in Wuthering Heights, which is not a popular book with boys so much as it is with girls, either. If you want something with Victorian connotations, perhaps the band could be called Byronesque - implying its members are all brooding, dark heroes?

As for the scene... I like the premise you have a lot, but you may have fallen into a trap which is easy to fall into when introducing characters - too-much-exposition-itis. For example:

EDDIE: Upset? Me? No. Why should I be upset? So what if my former so-called best-mate left me in the dirt so he could go on to make millions on his own, get movie offers, a house on every continent. Why should I be bitter?

While it's good to know that about the character, it's a lot to pack into one sentence, let alone one scene! It's easier to pick up bits and pieces here and there. Maybe take Season One of Lost as your model - the reason it was so tantalizing was due to what we didn't know yet.

Also, nobody who wanted to be a scientist would say they wanted to be a generic scientist. They'd be highly specific about whatever branch of science or science-related discipline they were into (marine biology, biomedical research, chemical engineering, environmental law...)

Sorry if this comes across a bit harsh - I like the premise of the show a lot, but I learned long ago that it's much easier and more helpful for everyone to just say what goes on in my mind when I read a piece of writing, rather than tiptoe around it. Of course, I did take creative writing classes at Vassar, in which "ripping your classmates to shreds" was done for fun and profit.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

That's why I'm posting it here, so I can get feedback.

I thought I might be laying the exposition rather thick. Good point about Lost.

Band Name

[ossie.livejournal.com]

Wyatt Horses

it might work


have fun

Ossie

[nam-jai.livejournal.com]

I'll agree with the post above that it is rather exposition-heavy. Another example is the bit about Denver's major -- rather than just telling us as you do here, it could be shown in dialogue between Denver and his father. We can find out they're in conflict over this issue by seeing them argue/snipe at each other over it.

It hasn't been laugh-out-loud funny -- no real sitcom-like punchlines, but if it's not a sitcom you're going for, that's okay. It seems on track for the "dramedy" tone. I liked the "Now he just nods a lot" line! Some of those lines I can imagine the humor really coming alive when an actor delivers them.

[nam-jai.livejournal.com]

Oh, I forgot -- I've read Wuthering Heights, but long ago enough that I didn't get the reference, so the pretentiousness sailed over my head, unfortunately. (And it is kind of hard to say.)