Basically just getting this off my chest

[charliesmum]

Charlie hasn't had too many 'bad episodes' recently, but last night lack of sleep combined with (probably) too much food with dye in it, caused a meltdown of momentous proportions.

A little background in case it becomes necessary. We'd gone to the pool in the evening and had dinner with our friends and assorted children, and then went back to the A's house for drinks around their lovely fire-pit in their yard. There were three families all together, me and Charlie, the A's and their 4 children and the "M"'s and their three children, one of whom has Down's.

I'd told Charlie we were bringing his jammies and his sleeping bag, so he could 'go to sleep' when the other kids do. (The M's left earlier as they had a nurse visit thing for their daughter) We've done this before - it gives me extra time with the grown-ups, and keeps Charlie from feeling lonely when the other kids go to bed.

Well, last night he really, really had it in his head he was going to spend the whole night, and packed his cuddly toy du jour, his new Suduku game, and snacks to share. It was cute.

All was going well, the kids treated us to an impromptu concert started by the eldest M daughter, who sang this hysterical song she'd learned in Brownies about a surfer dude getting eaten by a shark.* Charlie did an excellent rendition of the Lollypop song, complete with using his finger to make the popping sound at the appropriate moment.

Then it happened.

He'd forgotten some pieces for his Suduku game. The M's were gone by this point, the babies and the 5 year old were in bed, and it was time for the boys to settle down. But Charlie wanted to play his game. He wanted me to go home, get the pieces and come back. I said no. He didn't accept this answer, which should have been an early warning sign for me, but he's usually good at pulling back at times like these, and I thought he'd manage.

He didn't.

J had to lock the front door so he wouldn't run home without us knowing, and it just got worse from there, he started throwing things and slamming things and I had to take him home.

That set him over the edge. J had to help me get him home because he wouldn't go. (and thank God because I'd still be out there.) I'll spare you the ugly details, but anyone driving by might think we were kidnapping the child, and with good reason.

Once home, I tried again to calm him down, and tell him why we couldn't go back. "You blew it," I told him, probably inappropriately, trying to appeal to reason which, by this point had left the building.

It was ugly. He was hitting and throwing and crying, then he would hug me, start to calm down, and just when I thought it was okay, he'd start over again. By the end I myself was in tears.

He did finally pull himself out of the abyss, and hugged me again saying, "I'm sorry I blew it up, Mommy," and we lay in my bed for a bit until he felt ready to go to sleep.

It was exhausting, both emotionally and physically.

He'd been getting up so early this week since the stupid bus is picking him up at 7am, and he's adjusting to his new schedule and summer school and, stupidly, I let him buy this horrible sugar drink from the candy store that was basically sugar, water and dye, and then he had a red, white and blue popcicle which, again, is all sugar and dye. And, with the holiday, he's probably had more things with dye in it than usual.

I should have paid more attention, but I didn't, so naturally I fee guilty. And I can tell the difference between normal "I'm 8 and I'm having a temper tantrum" and "I'm Autistic and I'm losing control" and this was definitely the latter, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. You never stop wanting to take on your child's burdens, I think.

But it is a new, sunshiny day, and all is right with the world. For now.

I'd like to hear from mothers with Autistic children/people on the spectrum (You know who you are)to see what your stories are when it comes to this sort of thing. Strength in numbers and all that.

On the plus side, I got carded at the liquor store last night! They have a sign that says 'anyone under 30 will be asked for ID' or something similar, why I don't know, and in all the times I have gone into that store I have never, ever been carded. but they carded me. I was totally surprised. It was awesome.




*We never sang dark songs like that when I was in Brownies. It was all 'make new friends and Michael row the boat in them days.

Comments

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

Oh, that sounds like it was really tough with Charlie. At least it happened at a friends house, and not out at the supermarket or something where he would have had further to run from you and less understanding people around.

That's great you got carded, lol. I haven't been carded for awhile now, either. The last time was about a year ago when I was buying cigarettes. I said (all hopeful) 'For real?' and the clerk laughed and said 'yes', and it was a nice feeling.

[atlantel.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about what happened, but now it's over. Think you were lucky to be with friends. You know, I have been reading your journal for a few months and I think I have never noticed that Charlie was autistic (I knew it, of course, from your profile page), but he seems so like any other little boys:) Don't blame yourself because you were fooled by this.--the other day, I saw a report about "light" austism and suddenly, a little girl made a crisis, it was wow I've no word. So, I can understand a little what you wrote and lived.
Sending plenty of good vibes your way.

[nam-jai.livejournal.com]

I don't have any experience with autism, but my place on the spectrum is as someone with a sister who is mentally disabled and has behavioral problems, and so I experienced scenes if not quite like this, then similar to it when I was growing up. I also understand the feelings of misplaced guilt, as if the blow-up was somehow your fault -- though as I grew older, I started to realize (and resent) how my guilt grew from being implicitly or explicitly blamed by my mother for my sister's behavior. It took into adulthood for me to take a step back and understand the stresses my mother was under herself, and my father too. Not that it was right that the siblings, who were children themselves, were blamed for problems that were not our fault, nor our parents' fault, but caused by a host of medical factors. But time has helped me let go of the anger over it that I felt so strongly in my late teens. And even today, it's still good for me to read the things that you write, to hear similar stories from a parental perspective, a different light from my sibling perspective.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

::HUGS::

Nope, you never do stop. At least, I haven't yet, and Colin is I think about five years older than Charlie. There are days that I pray to be autistic for Colin, and days that if his autism was something separate I would attack it with fists and feet and teeth and whatever I could grab so I could pound it into ketchup.

Colin has had fewer meltdowns as he grows. All of the ones he has seem to have resulted from wanting quiet at a time when I had things that I thought I couldn't stop in the middle of (grocery shopping when we were out of food, for instance). The meltdowns he has now also seem milder than the ones he used to have.

"It does get better, eventually" and "I've been there too, you're not alone" are all I've got to offer you. I offer them, and a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. And I respect you for not giving up, because I've had days where I just want to run away and I know what that feels like.

You're doing a good job. Charlie sounds like a happy, loving boy. He sounds like he's growing and learning. These are all amazing TRUE things.

[zambonigirl.livejournal.com]

No advice, no kids, all I can offer you is support and just say that you are a great parent, and lots of great parents let their kids have candy and sweets at special times of the year. You can't deny him everything forever, and I think that most of the folks on your f-list would have done the same thing in your shoes.

But hey-good job in getting carded! I'm so glad that guy made your day.

[faeriethistle.livejournal.com]

Moms work so hard to be everything. You have to have adult time, too. Charlie hasnt seemed to have had a meltdown in a while. It was just overload. Too much sugar, dye and holiday combined with new schedules. I think he held it together pretty well and you did, too. The plus side is he knew it later and apologized. Wow!

Carded? From your photo you should be carded often! Lucky duck.

On another note, what was the horrible Brownie song?

[http://users.livejournal.com/butter_cup_/]

Hey there! That's sounds like a really tough night. It's great the Charlie can analyze his behavior after the fact and recognize that it was inappropriate. It may seem like too little too late, but it's the first step to self-control.

We don't have too many meltdowns anymore. The Prince gets upset, but he pounds his leg and talks to himself until he calms down. It looks bizarre, but it's preferable to the alternative.

If it's any consolation, I've always noticed that The Prince stims more and gets upset more right before he makes a major cognitive leap. Maybe you have good stuff on the way. :)

OY!

[http://users.livejournal.com/butter_cup_/]

I hate this radom icon generator. It's gone insane! My icon changes before I can even hit post. That was supposed to be my autism awareness icon. Lo, I am not wounded. I'm going to try to post the autism awareness icon again. Can't wait to see what actually posts. Something completely inappropriate, now doubt. LOL.

[bass-babe.livejournal.com]

oh, boy, i have been there many times. andrew has had fewer and fewer meltdowns as he gets older, but they still happen, and EXACTLY like that. ANY changes in routine are stressing to him, but he rarely shows it untill its too late. Its hard because i tend to forget that he cant handle even small changes, because he doesnt show it often, BUT , a BIG BUT, BUT he DOES meltdown in a major way when there are TOO many changes all at once....even the little things.....it seems to always be those minescule things that tip the scales and send him over the edge, and BOY can those meltdowns be titanic and exhausting on a major level. Just hang in there, it does get better. :-)

[amnormand.livejournal.com]

Meltdowns like that sound scary, both for you as the parent, and for Charlie! Reb hasn't had any meltdowns like that, so I really have no suggestions or advice. It's good it happened at a friend's house, who could support you and not judge you like someone would at the grocery store.

Reb's just starting to have temper tantrums, and they're very small, and easy to set right. It actually sometimes concerns me how few she's had and how minor they seem compared to other kids her ages, both kids on and off the spectrum.

*hugs*

'Net

[lapetiteabeille.livejournal.com]

I really think you might be one of the best moms EVER. You're doing a great job with Charlie, and you should never blame yourself for a meltdown. My own mom has worked with autistic and Downs children for years, so we have a constant stream of awesome kids in our house. The only real advice I can give you in regards to meltdowns is that no matter how bad it gets, the tantrum will always end eventually. You can tell Charlie that I'm proud of him for apologizing to his mommy afterwards! You have a great kid :).

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

No expert advice to offer; by the sounds of it, to me, you handled it as good as anyone could.