Words, Words, Words, Words

There's been something I've wanted to talk about for the last couple of days, but it isn't about me and any kind of journal, by definition, is about the journal writer, and I really can't stand people who take other people's problems and make them about them.

But, I was thinking about something just today, and it's the kind of something I like to discuss with you people, so here I go.

I've known my friend Beth since we were 14 years old and I decided making friends with people I like is better than trying to be friends with people who were popular. We see each other from time to time, but I'm busy and she's busier, and there's always next time, right? We will chat on the phone, but she tends to be one of those people that ramble on for hours if you let her and I've let the call go into voice mail on the days I'm just not in the mood. I'll call her back eventually.

She phoned the other day around lunch time and I answered. 'Do you have 15 minutes?' she asked me, and then told me she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Type 2, highly curable, but she has to have chemo and an operation, and all that.

So, yeah.

It's shocking, because she's always always the caregiver. She doesn't get sick. One of my thoughts was 'who's going to tend to her now when every one in her life expects her to tend to them?'

I called her today, to see how her first session went, and mentioned how we all need to get together this weekend if we could.

My other high school friends and I were going to get together this weekend anyway; would I have thought to invite Beth if she wasn't sick? Odds are I'd have assumed she was busy with her family; she often is. I like to think I would have, but I don't know. I just realised at that moment that I can't take it for granted that she, or anyone, will always be in my life, and I need to pay attention to the moments when they are.

It's just weird when lessons we tend to get from plays like 'Our Town' or Halmark holiday specials leap up to smack you in the face.

I've been feeling very melocholy lately. I

Part of it, I think, is that it has been just about a year since I moved out of my house and my marriage, and I'm in that 'now what' stage.

I also feel like I'm swinging between never wanting another romantic relationship ever and worrying that I am going to die alone to be eaten by dogs.

The problem is most of the single men I seem to come across are way too young. Now, I know there's nothing wrong with being a 'cougar', but I have a hard time feeling romantic toward someone who was an infant when I was in high school.

So that brings us to men who are closer to my age. Generally it seems that a single, 40-something man who isn't gay or severely disfunctional is more likely to be interested in dating someone younger, skinnier, prettier and more childless than me.

And also I'm picky. I have a large, very specific list of criteria for the next man in my life, and I'm pretty sure that anyone who fits that discription is fictional.

So...I'm not unhappy at where I am in my life; I just wonder if it is where I'm going to be forever.

I'm also feeling discontented with my Shakespeare Company. All the joy seems to have gone out of it for me. I don't want to lose that part of my life, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I need an adventure.

I haven't posted because I was waiting until I had something worth talking about. I don't, but I'm posting anyway.

In a nutshell:

House: Still for Sale, for really cheap.

Apartment: Almost had one, but the landlord's bitchy "VP of a Mortgage Company" daughter decided that he shouldn't rent to me, because my 'job isn't stable' and my parents (who are co-signing because my credit sucks) wouldn't give her 'proof of income', since she seems to think retired = destitute.

House: Might sell soon, but buyer wants us out by the end of the month which brings me back to

Apartment: Don't have one. Hard to find one in Collingswood that isn't ridiculously expensive and I am now paranoid that no one will rent to me.

Life: Still on hold.

Charlie: Came down with Strep Throat on Friday. My company health insurance didn't kick in until Saturday. If it hadn't been leap year, it would have been fine. Fortunately my Temp agency insurance hadn't expired yet, so I was okay. It was worth all that money.

Play: Going okay. I like my part. Not sure about the Petrucios.

How are you all?

My car is dying. It broke a couple of weeks ago, I thought I got it fixed, then it broke again, costing me money I really don't have. So I think it will last a bit longer, but it broke again today. Is it fixable? I don't know.

This sucks so much. I have no money for a new car. I have no money to fix my old car. I have no money to even rent a car while I figure out what to do.

I am trying really hard to 'make a move' in my life, but I feel so trapped. There are 'big picture' things I can do, but it doesn't help me now.

I have never felt so utterly miserable. My life is one big fail.

Someone send me money.

Or cookies.

Hugs would be nice.

My friend had her court date today to deal with her ex-husband's effort to take her children from her.

The suit, as expected, was dismissed. The judge called his suit frivolous and admonished him for talking to the children about it. Which, I mean come on, it's like rule 1 in the divorce handbook. Don't put your children in the middle.

This doesn't necessarily mean he's going to stop being an asshat, but at least now she can say to her kids that it is not going to happen, and he can't threaten court any more, unless he can prove that she is putting the kids in danger. Which would never, ever happen.

So, what's up with you, flist?

I am dreading the holidays. I've never done that before. I don't think I am going to be able to see my family until I made the decision THEY want me to make, and I've been so horrible to the husband, we're really strained, so I don't know if I want to deal with his family, and I sure don't want to just be here with husband because, strained.

I'm feeling sort of fed up at work, because I just wish they'd hire me already. I knew when I started it would be 3 month temp to perm, but I didn't think it would be this annoying. Seems stupid to me for them to be paying the agency when they could just pay me. And then I'd get actual money. I'm tempted to say, "Look, can you just tell me if you are going to hire me full time, because if not I should be looking for a job that actually pays me." but if they say no, I'll be sad.

And we're supposed to be starting rehearsals for the next play, and I am also not looking forward to that for various reasons, and that sucks because it is something that I love.

I just want someone else to make decisions for me. How pathetic is that?

Meanwhile, I just changed my layout again, so feel free to look at it. I added a link to the Collingswood Shakespeare website.

And elfmanfan has the coolest mood theme ever and I can't get it to download on my LJ. *pout*

Right. Emo whining over. Have naked child standing next to me. Go get your jammies on, Charlie. (he's laughing at that last sentence)

Thanks, everyone, for the comments on my previous post. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I need to figure out what I want - right now I'm afraid I'm going to make a decision just to get back on my family's good side, and that's not wise. Meanwhile, I am dreading the holidays.

I've not been very kind to the Husband. I try, but I'm in such a bad place right now, and I'm such a confrontation-avoider, instead of just telling him, I retreat and probably make everything worse. And he doesn't confront either, and he just retreats into these passive-aggressive things, so instead of him saying 'what's wrong' and me telling him, we just withdraw.

Anyway...I wanted to talk about something cheerful this post, so I will tell you about the play.

Both weekends went really well. The first night we had the usual teething pains, and half-way through the 2nd act a fuse blew! Fortunately we didn't loose all the lights, but we couldnt' fade in or out, and we lost our background music. The audience didn't notice, and that's the important thing. The drawback was the fusebox is in the basement of the legion hall, behind a locked gate, so we couldn't get to it.

That was as the biggest problem we had though. We had good audiences every night, and yesterday we were literally packed. We had to add chairs. People were even buying our 'swag' - coffee mugs, keychains, tee-shirts and magnets. So yay for money.

We Ariels had several songs to sing, and I had a short one that I sang myself, which let me tell you was terrifying, as I have never considered myself a singer, but I got compliments, so apparently I did okay.

There are many songs in this play. I kept saying we should do a soundtrack. One of the funnier songs was Caliban's - here's Shakespeare's lyrics:

No more dams I'll make for fish
Nor fetch in firing
At requiring;
Nor scrape trencher, nor wash dish
'Ban, 'Ban, Cacaliban
Has a new master: get a new man.
Freedom, hey-day! hey-day, freedom! freedom,
hey-day, freedom!

They adapted it to go with the tune 'Day-o' and dang if it didn't totally work. Got big applause every time.

We had to make Alonzo and Sebastian girls, the Queen and her sister instead of King and brother, and we made it a love triangle with Antonio being the seducer of both of them. It worked so well that the only conclusion one can draw from the original is OMG ANTONIO WAS TOTALLY GAY. :)

I'll post some photos later

( My life, a brief recap. )

Right, so, the Husband is in the play as a last minute thing - someone dropped out, we needed a Bowswain. I wasn't thrilled about this, but we needed him, and he could do it. My mother comes to the play on Sunday. She leaves at intermission with some lame excuse about having a dinner to go to.

I knew left because she was upset because husband was there. I knew she was upset because I haven't done any of the things she's told me to do. I was hurt.

She called me today and basically said everything I just said above. She is disappointed in my life. She feels like I've lied to her about making changes.

The worst part is I know exactly how she feels. I feel so stuck, and I don't know what to do. I am not sure I want to leave the Husband, sell the house, uproot the child, which is what Mom thinks I should do, but at the same time, I just can't live like this anymore.

I'm such a complete failure. I have no savings, my credit sucks, I don't have a career. I have nothing. If I let go of what little I have I'll have less than nothing.

I need a fairy godmother.

I will finish that Meme, I promise. I just haven't had time to get all the things together. I'm tempted to just say, heck pick your own 7, but that would be cheating. I will get to it. Honest.

Meanwhile, I was driving to work this morning when my brakes finally decided to give up the ghost. Wasn't too far, so was able to go home, and The Husband drove me. Sigh. I don't know when we're going to be able to afford to fix the the thing. And I was driving on bad brakes because of the whole 'can't afford it' thing, so I probably made it worse.

Did I say sigh? Sigh.

By the way, anyone in my area who can/likes to sing, and can find an accompanist, the Big Boss Guy at my work is having a swanky holiday party in December and would like to hire someone to sing during the party - 7pm to 11pm. If anyone is interested or knows someone, let me know.

More reasons to like this office. We do work with Three Mile Island, and I just said that I was in the 6th grade when there was a partial meltdown, and the man I was talking to called me a baby. (As in young, not whiny)

( cut for spoiler for last night's episode )

In other news...well, nothing really. Feel a bit like Alice Through the Looking Glass, you know the bit where they are running very fast and not going anywhere, and then the Queen tells her if she wants to get anywhere she has to run twice as fast. I feel like I'm running full out just so I don't fall backwards.

Anyway...Charlie has written yet another superhero story. Here it is:

Superheroes, in search of aquamonkey.

Come on now guys. Somebody is at the door. It was Devon. Did you find me a power Yet? No. Why? Because we don’t have any more powers to think of. Can I have one of
Ben’s alien powers? Humans can’t do that. Ok. I’ll go home. Ok. Bye. Harry? Harry?
Harry? where are you? Harry? Where are you? Excuse me. We can’t find Harry.
We call him aquamonkey. Do you know where he is? I have no clue. Where are we?
A window. Harry! There you are! We got to get you out of here. Help. Help. Help.
Harry said. Why is this window stronger than me? Said Charlie. I am strongshadow.
We got to find some light. There is no more space in here. Zack tell us what we can
Do to save aquamonkey since you’re brainwind. Better go through me. Guys. I can do
This I’m strongshadow. Ok tell us now. Get out of here, go buy a flashlight, and find
Anything big. Ok? Ok. Be right back. Wow that is big. I will like to buy the flashlight
Please. Ok it’s yours. I’m back. Turn on the flashlight, I’ll hold on to this. Get in
Strongshadow. When you are in the other side get Harry out and break the window. Ok?
Ok. Now go. You’re here said Harry. How weird. This side I am stronger than the glass
And the other side I’m not stronger than. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
We’re back together. We were worried about you. I didn’t know I got on the other side of here. Were safe and sound were doing great. Let’s go home now. aquamonkey is back.