First heatbreaks

[charliesmum]

So, Charlie's been hanging out with these girls at the pool. One of them, lets call her Lily, he was quite obviously smitten with.

I've checked out these girls on Facebook, and, to my (probably) overprotective mother's eyes, they seem SO much older than him; you know how girls can be at 13 and 14 years old. I was assured by someone who knows that these girls are nice, though, and so I tried not to worry to much.

I'd been out for a bit last night, and when I came home, he looked very sad. Turns out that Lily has a boyfriend, and last night Charlie had this whole texting conversation with this girl basically begging her to be his girlfriend.

You guys, it was so sad. We went through his texts together, and they just about broke my heart. He really thought she 'loved him'.

Some of the stuff he said was not very appropriate or nice, so I talked to him about that, and I did make him text her back and apoligise for saying mean things about her boyfriend.

I also told him to back off for awhile, He has trouble with boundaries, and I really don't want a repeat of him being accused of being 'creepy'. He said to me he wanted to find a way to make her like him, and I had to tell him that it is just not possible. Try explaining the 'nice guy' syndrome to a heartbroken and autistic 13 year old. It's quite the challenge.

She did text him back last night - the phone is in my room, so I hear the text come through. I didn't look at it - tempting as it is, because I don't want to invade his privacy. I am hoping she said something nice, though. (And I'm hoping he wakes up soon so I can see what the text says!)

Meanwhile my BFF's daughter just had her very first relationship end. She'd been seeing this boy for a while, and she was sure he was 'the one', but recently he told her he just didn't feel the same way. She was also heartbroken, although we suspect in the end it's more about losing a boyfriend in general than losing him. I'm going over there on Thursday - her mother and I had promised her awhile ago that if/when they broke up we'd get together and have ice cream and talk about our breakups.

So, flist. What was your first heartbreak? And do you have and advice for my boy and my friend's daughter?

Comments

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Is it me or does Charlie do this a lot--find a girl who treats him in a friendly manner, and then develop a massive crush based on the fact that he's reading friendliness as love? It seems as if this is the third or fourth time this has happened.

I can't offer any advice because, well, I'm ace. At thirteen, I didn't want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and the girls in my eighth-grade class who wanted to date (which was a minority) just talked about hugging and kissing, which didn't sound like much. And at thirteen, I knew that I had at least five years before falling in love could translate into getting married.

I wasn't thinking about sex. I figured that with my shitty luck, I'd get knocked up the first time I had sex and then my parents would throw me out on my ear. (I wasn't being melodramatic. My parents had warned me that they would do this if I got pregnant.) And then I'd be stuck being pregnant and sick for nine months before I could sign the kid away to some adoption agency. And since I was taking rather strong anticonvulsant meds, although not as strong as the ones I take now, I knew there was a good chance that any child of mine would have severe physical and/or intellectual limitations. None of which seemed like anything to wish on a kid.

(I knew nothing about protection. I didn't even hear about condoms until I ran across the kids selling their fathers' condoms at the candy machine in high school.)

So sex, even if I had wanted it, was out. And I knew of no other point to having a boyfriend or girlfriend at thirteen. You could enjoy each other's company just as much if you were friends than if you were dating, and if you got into an argument, you didn't have to worry "OMG HAVE WE BROKEN UP?" Because friends do fight, and it's considered normal.

For the girls who did date, dating was more of a status thing. It didn't seem to be about getting a guy that you loved but about getting a guy that everyone else found...covet-able. They didn't want to date their male best friends or the boy they'd been playing with since pre-nursery school. They wanted the good-looking boy, the jock, the popular dude, the boy who could score things like tickets to a rock concert on short notice.

Whether the status business is normal or was peculiar to my neighborhood, I don't know.

There is one thing, however, that I can completely understand Charlie being confused about--the idea that he can "make" a girl love him. That's because most books, TV shows and movies about relationships embrace that belief. In romance, especially in YA lit and romantic comedies, it doesn't matter if the Significant Other isn't interested, is with someone else, is pledged to God or actively trying to get away from the person pursuing him/her. And, in most cases, it IS a her. Once a guy finds the "right" girl, he's supposed to climb the highest mountain, swim the widest sea, slay a dragon and lay it at her feet, give her the Golden Apples of the Hesperides and generally chase her until she gives in and realizes that yes, she IS supposed to be with him forever and ever, amen.

I would say that 80% to 90% of the books and films and TV shows out there normalize stalking or treat it as a sign of love.

This is confusing enough on its own. Add in autism and--well, this must be nightmarishly bewildering for Charlie. Society keeps telling him to pursue the girl of his dreams and to MAKE her love him--and that if she's trying to be nice or let him down easily, she will come to love him if he just doesn't give up. But his experiences with being perceived as "creepy" are telling him something totally different.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

So much yes to this comment. That's exactly the problem; he can't read people, and he's very binary, if you know what I mean. He is very literal, and has trouble with grey areas.

To be fair, this girl did tell him she liked him once, but yeah, he has trouble knowing different levels of emotions.

And seriously - what you said about Rom Coms etc 'making' people fall in love. Contending with that fantasy with someone who doesn't really understand fantasy...exhausting.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what "very binary" means. I'm guessing that Charlie doesn't have any middle gears; he either loves someone or something or he hates them. He's not very good at being "meh" or just liking someone or something in a casual way. And that could be a huge problem with relationships, as most people do not go from zero to sixty in 30 seconds. And Charlie doesn't know any other way to be.

And seriously - what you said about Rom Coms etc 'making' people fall in love. Contending with that fantasy with someone who doesn't really understand fantasy...exhausting.

I can well believe it. It must be incredibly difficult for you. The idea's not just in one story or in one type of story; it's pervasive. Western attitudes toward romance and women are soaked in this premise.

[kibbles.livejournal.com]

OMG LJ SUCKS.

Big long comment about how I will ask Kayleigh when she wakes up. If you don't hear in a bit, remind me, ok? She's popular and insightful, has two brothers, including a 12 year old one, both on the spectrum, so she helps the 12 year old out. Pretty good with this sort of stuff.

[kibbles.livejournal.com]

Also, a search of teen relationships aspergers (and/or autism) brings up a lot of stuff (I know there are books). I haven't gotten into it too much though because Fin doesn't care. BUT looks like as our kids are getting older, more parents (and kids themselves) are writing about it.

[chaosdancer.livejournal.com]

Our sons are almost of an age, so we get to go through this sort-of together, yay. I guess Kieran and I must have a good relationship...he told me a few weeks ago that he had his first wet dream. Outside, I was like "Oh, cool! Your body's getting ready for reproduction. Some societies they give girls parties when they have their first periods; we should do something special." Inside I was like "???wtf what do I say now??" I guess I handled it okay. He doesn't seem in the least embarrassed or ashamed - not at all like what my experience was like. And he likes girls too, but where he differs from Charlie is I'm wondering if he'll ever actually tell a girl that. So far his courtship method seems to be pretending he doesn't like them, and it's not going very well. I don't know what advice to give there.

I feel for Charlie...I hope he can figure it out by rote, somehow, if he can't feel his way through. Charles (my fiance) has had to do that, and he does it very well. If he doesn't exactly feel the "proper" emotion at a given situation, he at least has learned what's expected of him. I hope Charlie will develop those skills. I can't even imagine what growing up is like for a kid who has to take literally all the schizophrenic crap our society dishes out. I hope he can cut through it all somehow.

[drakonlily.livejournal.com]

Oh man... I was... fifteen? This boy I really liked started dating a friend cause she had boobs.

XD I'm horrible with advice.