Halloween story
Oct. 26th, 2005 05:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
charliesmumI've been wanting to do an original story on my blog for Halloween, but as it is with these kinds of things, nothing came immediately to mind. However, I have started writing this, and it is a total first draft and I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with it, and may scrap the whole thing, but I'm posting it anyway, and welcome critique and criticism and whatnot. Mindless praise is always nice, too.
Lauren stared out the window of the car, glaring at the rows upon rows of condos that lined the street. “I can’t believe Grandmom moved here,” she muttered, but not very loudly, as her mother already scolded her for complaining before they started on their trip.
“It’s been hard for Grandmom since Grandpop died, and in the adult community she can meet people her own age, and have things to do.” Mrs. Bell had said as she packed up the car for their trip. “It isn’t going to do her any good to hear you whining about it, okay?”
Lauren had agreed, but inwardly she continued to pout. Her whole life Grandmom and Grandpop had lived in this wonderful old house out in the country and every summer Lauren and her brother Kyle would wander through the woods that lined the property, wading in the stream and petting the horses owned by the farmer next door; doing all the things that her suburban life lacked. Now Grandmom was living in a condo surrounded by other condos, not near anything even remotely interesting.
Kyle, at 16, was more stoic than his 14 year old sister, and pointed out the fact that the ocean was only a half hour drive away, but Lauren was not to be deterred, “I don’t like the ocean,” she grumped. “It’s full of fish and seaweed.”
None of her complaints were going to change the facts, however, and she eventually gave in with bad grace, trying to keep her muttering to a minimum, and she contented herself with frowning at the neat little houses and well kept lawns until Mrs. Bell turned the car into one of the many identical driveways. “Here we are!”
Kyle hopped out of the care, followed with considerably less enthusiasm by his sister. “Hey, Lauren, check it out! Bet that’s something you didn’t expect.”
Lauren turned to see where Kyle was pointing and her mouth dropped open in surprise. “Whoa, there’s a graveyard here?”
There was a field directly across from their grandmother’s condo and there, looking incongruous amongst the new buildings, was a small graveyard full of weathered stones surrounded by a small iron fence.
“Well, that’s appropriate,” Kyle said, grinning wickedly, “a graveyard in a place for old people.”
“Kyle,” admonished their mother as Lauren giggled, “Behave yourself, and help me with the bags.”
They gathered their stuff from the car and headed toward the house. Grandmom must have seen them, because she flung the door open before anyone had a chance to ring the bell, and hugged them each tightly in turn. “I’m so glad you could come! We’re going to have such fun! Come in, come in!”
Lauren, curiosity piqued in spite of her self took a few steps toward the graveyard. She always loved wandering through graveyards and was looking forward to exploring this one. It was so small, and looked old, she was sure it was full of interesting little tidbits of past lives.
“Lauren, honey, where are you going? I have lunch all ready for you.”
Lauren looked over at her grandmother, “Okay. Sorry, Grandmom.” She turned to head into the house, but couldn’t resist one last look behind her, and screamed in surprise.
There was a shadowy figure standing by the gate.
Lauren stared out the window of the car, glaring at the rows upon rows of condos that lined the street. “I can’t believe Grandmom moved here,” she muttered, but not very loudly, as her mother already scolded her for complaining before they started on their trip.
“It’s been hard for Grandmom since Grandpop died, and in the adult community she can meet people her own age, and have things to do.” Mrs. Bell had said as she packed up the car for their trip. “It isn’t going to do her any good to hear you whining about it, okay?”
Lauren had agreed, but inwardly she continued to pout. Her whole life Grandmom and Grandpop had lived in this wonderful old house out in the country and every summer Lauren and her brother Kyle would wander through the woods that lined the property, wading in the stream and petting the horses owned by the farmer next door; doing all the things that her suburban life lacked. Now Grandmom was living in a condo surrounded by other condos, not near anything even remotely interesting.
Kyle, at 16, was more stoic than his 14 year old sister, and pointed out the fact that the ocean was only a half hour drive away, but Lauren was not to be deterred, “I don’t like the ocean,” she grumped. “It’s full of fish and seaweed.”
None of her complaints were going to change the facts, however, and she eventually gave in with bad grace, trying to keep her muttering to a minimum, and she contented herself with frowning at the neat little houses and well kept lawns until Mrs. Bell turned the car into one of the many identical driveways. “Here we are!”
Kyle hopped out of the care, followed with considerably less enthusiasm by his sister. “Hey, Lauren, check it out! Bet that’s something you didn’t expect.”
Lauren turned to see where Kyle was pointing and her mouth dropped open in surprise. “Whoa, there’s a graveyard here?”
There was a field directly across from their grandmother’s condo and there, looking incongruous amongst the new buildings, was a small graveyard full of weathered stones surrounded by a small iron fence.
“Well, that’s appropriate,” Kyle said, grinning wickedly, “a graveyard in a place for old people.”
“Kyle,” admonished their mother as Lauren giggled, “Behave yourself, and help me with the bags.”
They gathered their stuff from the car and headed toward the house. Grandmom must have seen them, because she flung the door open before anyone had a chance to ring the bell, and hugged them each tightly in turn. “I’m so glad you could come! We’re going to have such fun! Come in, come in!”
Lauren, curiosity piqued in spite of her self took a few steps toward the graveyard. She always loved wandering through graveyards and was looking forward to exploring this one. It was so small, and looked old, she was sure it was full of interesting little tidbits of past lives.
“Lauren, honey, where are you going? I have lunch all ready for you.”
Lauren looked over at her grandmother, “Okay. Sorry, Grandmom.” She turned to head into the house, but couldn’t resist one last look behind her, and screamed in surprise.
There was a shadowy figure standing by the gate.
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no subject
on 2005-10-26 09:20 pm (UTC)critique: The last bit with the jump from slight creepy and hinting and graveyard scary stuff to a sudden scream seems a bit abrupt. Maybe a bit more build up to the first scream? Another scene or two first? I suppose that is just preference, and depends entirely on how long the story is to become (if it is to become more of a story at all).
Anyway, I hope you continue. :) I'll be looking for another installment. :)
no subject
on 2005-10-26 09:55 pm (UTC)This reminds me of my own grandparents. At one time they were thinking about selling their house and moving. It made me sad to think about it, since I grew up visiting the house they live in. They changed their minds for some reason or another. With them living in New Orleans I'm even more thankful their house was not destroyed.
no subject
on 2005-10-26 11:49 pm (UTC)Hee!
Interesting beginning.
no subject
on 2005-11-01 04:47 pm (UTC)Ok, mindless praise out of the way, now lemme read this... :-) Serious praise doubtless to follow...
no subject
on 2005-11-01 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2005-11-03 10:40 pm (UTC)I do want to read more though. :-)