(no subject)

[charliesmum]

During the summer, I had to beg money off of my parents so we could pay our mortgage. I didn't want to do this for many reasons, the chief of which was it would be unequivicable proof to my parents that they were right all along about The Husband. My mother gave me the money, but basically said that in exchange I had to make 'changes', i.e. leave my husband. She told me to put my house on the market because it's falling apart anyway and I can't take care of it and Husband sure won't and so on and so forth.

I have been thinking about doing that, but it is a big step, and I kept hoping everything would just go away, I guess. I don't want to uproot Charlie, even while part of me sort of likes the idea of just chucking it all and starting fresh somewhere.

Meanwhile, leaving the husband...easier said than done. Again, big step, is it one I want to take? I don't know. Again with the uprooting of the child, and more significantly, I can't currently support myself. My job isn't permanant yet and I'm not bringing home enough money to support myself, let alone my kid, and Husband is coming home to watch Charlie in the afternoons, which I realise defeats the purpose of me working, but I can't afford to hire someone right now...but you've already heard that song.

Right, so, the Husband is in the play as a last minute thing - someone dropped out, we needed a Bowswain. I wasn't thrilled about this, but we needed him, and he could do it. My mother comes to the play on Sunday. She leaves at intermission with some lame excuse about having a dinner to go to.

I knew left because she was upset because husband was there. I knew she was upset because I haven't done any of the things she's told me to do. I was hurt.

She called me today and basically said everything I just said above. She is disappointed in my life. She feels like I've lied to her about making changes.

The worst part is I know exactly how she feels. I feel so stuck, and I don't know what to do. I am not sure I want to leave the Husband, sell the house, uproot the child, which is what Mom thinks I should do, but at the same time, I just can't live like this anymore.

I'm such a complete failure. I have no savings, my credit sucks, I don't have a career. I have nothing. If I let go of what little I have I'll have less than nothing.

I need a fairy godmother.

Comments

[rayvyn2k.livejournal.com]

I was in the same exact situation when I left my ex...except I had two babies...a 3 year old and a six month old.

Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. I had no job, no credit (less than none as I had filed for bankruptcy) and no one to watch the kids. I lived on welfare and the charity of my family for a year and a half before I got a job at a Subway sandwich shop and put the kids in daycare.

It was not easy, but I've never regretted it. The relief of being out of that emotionally stressful situation made it all worth it.

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. If you let go of your current situation...you may find you have EVERYTHING.

The first step is always the hardest--as they say.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

::HUGS::

Is your mother able and/or willing to support you and Charlie until you get on your feet again?

Is that an acceptable idea?

And money aside, how do you feel about your husband?

[cherydactyl.livejournal.com]

I can totally relate. I'm not really ready to talk about my situation much at this point, and in my case the husband is gainfully employed in a reasonably well paid field, but your situation does not seem all that different from mine in many ways. Hang in there. I know your mom is trying to help, but strong-arm tactics may do as much harm as good. at least she is looking out for you and Charlie. My mom is too wrapped up in her own crap to care about mine, which is par for the course.

[lizzyrose89.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[lapetiteabeille.livejournal.com]

"If I let go of what little I have, I'll have less than nothing."

You'll have a mother who clearly cares about you, and one of the most amazing sons in the world. That sounds like a lot to me!

[sing1118.livejournal.com]

I agree with this.

*hug* Don't give up!!!

[sixth-light.livejournal.com]

I think what you need to ask yourself is whether things are realistically going to get any better if you stay where you are. And if they're not - why stay?

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

I think it's unfair for your mother to have given you conditions on her giving you the money. You need to decide to make changes on *your own*, not because she laid these ultimatums on the loan. You're a grown-up now, and she shouldn't be trying to dictate your life. She can give all the advice she wants (and you ask for), but in the end, it's your choice.
I hope that along with her admonitions to leave him she is also offering her assistance in getting back on your feet. You will need help with a home and childcare - is she prepared to help you with that?
In the end, it has to be your decision, your choice. Are you unhappy enough with the way things are to take a chance on the unknown?
Good luck and many *hugs*!

[slammerkinbabe.livejournal.com]

IAWTC.

[robinchristine.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. My family hates Ricky, says I deserve better. And most of the time I'm unhappy. I never got to go to college because I got married and had my son. I don't have a career. I don't have ANY credit of my own. I can't even drive. But I won't leave because I'm scared to death that Ricky would get custody of Logan.

[egneveron.livejournal.com]

Wow..that's a really difficult situation your mother is putting you in. As someone else said, if she's willing to support you and Charlie until you get back on your feet, then I could see that being a somewhat reasonable request.

As far as being a failure, I think that's a bit of a judgement. I honestly don't know a lot about you, or your relationship with your husband, but unless he is beating you or something I don't think your mother has the right to demand you leave him. But that's just my 2 cents. Whatever your reasons are, they are. If you want to leave, and she wants you to leave, she should help you, not criticize you.

You're doing all you can do, and in my opinion, from reading your journal all the time, it seems like your priorities are in the right place - your son being the top priority. As far as I'm concerned, that's a lot more than a lot of people can say for themselves.

Sorry you have to deal with so much crap :-(

[erynnef.livejournal.com]

You're not a failure. Dont ever think that.

[chavvah.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm really, really sorry to hear about your situation.

I do think it isn't fair that your mother has put you in this position. Breaking off a relationship as long as yours--especially when there is a child involved--isn't a decision you make on a whim. It is also a decision that I think you should discuss with your partner, and one in which your mother, while you should obviously consider her advice, should have no say whatsoever.

Jamie and I were together for five years, were living common-law, and he didn't discuss anything with me before he decided that he was leaving. I was so much more hurt by that than I would have been if we had discussed the things that were problematic about our relationship and then agreed to part.

I found out recently that one of the reasons he broke up with me was because his mother said it was a good idea. That hurt even more--the idea that he might not have been making the decision based on his own experience, but based on the fact that his mom and I got into it at Christmas because of her stupid dog and now she hates me.

Your husband, regardless of whether you still want to be married to him, is a person deserving of your respect and compassion. You are both adults, and should be making your own decisions.

I also agree that you should ask your mother if she is willing to help support you and Charlie until you can get on your feet, should this come to pass.

I don't know if this is any consolation, but my mother raised me pretty much on her own, in addition to going to university and working. So it can be done, although Charlie has different needs than I did.

If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. Even if you just want someone to talk to.

[blond-not-blind.livejournal.com]

Wow - we do have much in common.

Only my mom made me make the changes before she helped with the rent. I hadn't been married 15 years though - we didn't even make it to two.