I'm fed up with being reasonable

[charliesmum]

Charlie got kicked out of school again. Happened on Thursday too. He apparently got all aggressive and wouldn't listen, and started running out of the classroom, and was hitting, and threatening to bite, and being super horrible. He was fine for most of the morning, then something set him off.

I talked with the principal, and with Charlie's case worker, and nodded and agreed with what they were saying, and tried to come up with reasons for this behavior, and now I just feel like having a righteous mommy rant.

He's in a new school, with new kids, and new teachers. He'd been going to his old school since he was 3 years old, so it is a big adjustment, especially for a child who doesn't handle transition well. It's just been 1 week today since school started and he's had problems 2x. The other days, though, he was very good. So obviously something is setting him off.

I can't help but feel like the teacher isn't being very patient with Charlie and his problems. I can't believe he is the only kid with problems in the class. I know for a fact that one boy who was with Charlie last year, can be even more disruptive. I know it isn't fair to the other kids in the class to have the teachers have to spend too much time with Charlie, but that's why he is in a special class, isn't it? If he were totally mainstreamed I would understand the teacher's problem, but it is her job to deal with this. And the case worker said that 'yes, she is trained to deal with this, but Charlie is being so difficult' yada yada yada. And I can't help but wonder exactly what they are doing in the classroom that is setting Charlie off. Because he's not a horrible kid.

And then I'm being told that he had problems during the summer. Well, first I heard of it. No one told me that he was being difficult. For all I knew he was doing fine. I didn't have to go pick him up from school once this summer.

I wanted to see if he would go back to class this afternoon, because I don't want him to think I can just come get him whenever he doesn't feel like being in school, and I was told that the teacher didn't want him back. Yeah, that's a good attitude.

And the case worker suggested maybe he's ADD or something, and maybe I should look into getting him medicated. I'm sorry, but I'm not drugging up my child just to make the teacher's job easier.

I'd love to hear from anyone who is on Ritalin or something, or if they know someone, because the only one I know is my friend's daughter, and I didn't see it helping a whole lot. It helped her focus in class more, apparently, but the side effects where sometimes worse than the original problem. It completely killed her appetite, and this is a kid who didn't eat much in the first place, and made her even more emotional than she was before.

And I just don't like the idea of putting my son on drugs.

Anyway...thanks for letting me rant. I feel, well lousy still, but slightly better for talking to people about it. People I might add, who aren't my family and won't start giving me well-meaning but annoying advice that make me feel like a bad mother and want to throw things.

Comments

[slammerkinbabe.livejournal.com]

I have ADD and Ritalin was a lifesaver for me. It totally turned everything around for me - well, not everything, because I have the NVLD issues as well, which Ritalin does not help, and I'll get to that later. But having said that, if Charlie does have ADD, you have the testimony of at least one ADDer whose life would have been immeasurably harder without Ritalin. Yes, it does kill the appetite (though right now that's sounding awesome to me, as my weight has gotten out of control since I finished school :P), and it can sometimes have emotional effects. But for me, it was just so unbelievably frustrating never to be able to focus when I was in school or doing homework. I'd try so hard, and I'd lose track of things and get totally overwhelmed, and then feel horribly guilty because everyone was telling me this was just stuff I should be able to do. Despite the minor depressant effect, I was much better off emotionally on the Ritalin than off.

However. That's me. I have ADD. And you might want to look into whether Charlie has ADD, but honestly (and I don't know him, so just take this for whatever it's worth) it doesn't sound like he has ADD to me. ADD is when kids are bouncing off the walls consistently, or else dreamy-dazed out the whole day. It's not when a kid's stress level builds up as a result of a bad situation and he winds up lashing out. That's much more an autism thing; kids with autism are obviously easily frustrated because they tend to have low tolerance for some things that most people can tolerate with ease. It sounds to me like the teacher is pushing him past his limits sometimes, if these have been situations where he's been fine for long stretches of time and then had a big episode in the afternoon.

It's a shame that ADD is the default diagnosis for kids perceived to be difficult these days. I mean, it's getting better (I've been reading so much more about the autistic spectrum lately, I find it heartening) but it's tried-and-true, you know? It bothers me because I've had people tell me, to my face, that ADD does not exist and I need to get off my meds because they're nothing but the realization of Huxley's Soma vision. It's not fair and it's frankly offensive to me, but I can see where they're coming from, because ADD is so shamefully overdiagnosed.

Anyway. That was one long comment.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

Thank you! That's really what I wanted to hear. I don't think he's ADD, really. It is the autism, and I kind of wanted to shout "DUH! He's Autistic you morons!"

I thought maybe my friend's daughter was snap diagnosed, but I'd never really seen her at school, so I really couldn't say. I know medication can help, but I don't like being told 'he's having behavior problems, maybe he should have drugs.'

I think you are right about the stress levels.

You're smart! You must have gone to Harvard! :)

[fourthage.livejournal.com]

What you need to get from the teacher is exactly how he is misbehaving and what the circumstances were surrounding each outburst. The more information you have, the better. I am not impressed by a teacher who, a week into school, has already decided she doesn't want a child in her classroom (which is what she is saying by not letting him come back that afternoon). I sympathize with her frustration, more especially because I know it's not something I could handle, but as you said, this is her job and she should be willing to try for more than a few days before giving up. Stick to your guns on this one. If we were talking about an ongoing problem halfway in the year, it'd be one thing, but this sounds to me like someone just doesn't want to make an effort. And that's not acceptable.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I did have a nice long discussion with the teacher, and we went over things she can do to help Charlie. Hopefully that will work.

And I agree, I feel a bit aggrivated that they don't seem to be giving him any time to adjust.

Grrrr. :)

[faeriethistle.livejournal.com]

oh crud! late again.
sorry to not have posted sooner, but you are not being unreasonable. this teacher is suposed to be trained for this type of behavior. it is expected and dealt with. if she cant deal with charlie, she is in the wrong position. your tax dollars go to support the school. if you were being unreasonable, then they have the right to gently tell you your son is no longer a viable member. but, and this appears to be the case, they have a job to perform and that is to take your child, disabilities and all, and educate him. that is what they are paid to do.
taking drugs isnt the answer to everything. you as the parent have the right to say no. if it would help him, then it might be a consideration for you. if it wont help him, then it is a waste of both time, money and health.
my brother is ADHA, badly. he was on ritalin when younger and it helped him. he never learned to deal with it though and so as an adult, he is not as responsible as he would like to think he is. his daughter is just like him. and she needed the drugs desperately to be able to function. his other daughter, i dont feel is ADHA but they put her on ritalin too. now she uses it as and excuse to not study or not do well in her school work. (same niece that has me worried about my daughter.)
dont be afraid to step up on behalf of charlie and let the school know they arent doing their job. be bold. that social worker sounds more like she has too many cases and is just going along with the school so it is less work on her.
as a teacher i have thought to myself hundreds of times, when talking to a parent about a students horrible behavior, "you know what this kid is like at home. you know what a brat/pain-in-the-ass etc. he/she really is." but i cant say that to a parent. they get defensive. they know their kid is a butthead but they wont admit it.
you know charlie isnt how they are portraying him. you know him well. give examples, suggest ways to help him cope with the change, give them ideas on how you do things at home that might help at school.
suggest a webcam. if daycares can do it, why cant schools? come on, there has got to be some e-money available.
you know, all schools with special needs kids need a webcam so parents can peek in. what better way of showing how the school functions? hmmm...
sorry this is long but i am upset that they would cop out like that.
dont take too much. i dont know how but if you can get a lawyer. they eat this stuff up. my mother had to take a lawyer several times to the ards with my niece. it worked.

end of rant - give charlie extra hugs and tell him texas thinks he is great.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

It is better now, thanks! Had a nice long conversation with the teacher and we came up with ideas. So far there hasn't been a call from the school, so that's good!

[fayzalmoonbeam.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that Charlie's having a hard time-I hope things are better now that you've spoken to his teacher. Does his class have any extra support or is it just the one teacher? I only ask because I'm currently teaching a child with Aspergers Syndrome and I get a classroom assistant for five lessons out of every eight-and I can guarantee that this little boy's productivity goes up 110% when there is someone there to help him with his work on a more one-to-one basis, and his frustration goes down by the same amount. Classroom assistants can be really useful as they can build up a relationship with children that class teachers don't have enough time to do one-to-one, and having someone there to guide definitely helps me, and the little boy, especially as there are other children in the class with literacy issues and other dignosed conditions (don't ask me how, but it's the class with vertually ALL the dyselxic children in this year-seems a little unfair on them, really, as they need extra support at times).
Of course, this is probably irrelevant if Charlie's in a class of less than 30 and there's no clasroom support-if that's the case, then the teacher shouldn't have any problems building the relationship his/herself.
I think it's really useful that you spoke to them, though, as the most vital thing is to have as much information as possible about a student-that way, it's so much easier to spot trigger points and possible issues in the classroom. If I had the time, I'd love to sit down with all of the parents of the children I teach for a proper chat, and not just the 5 minutes once a year on parents' evening. The information is invaluable! Did Charlie's old school pass on his records to his new one? Sometimes teachers don't know where to start if that information isn't received before the start of term-which makes your approach of talking to the school even more invaluble.
Anyway, I've droned on long enough-I hope you're both OK and things start to improve for Charlie :)
Best wishes
Fay x

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

He's in a 'special' class with about 6 or 7 other kids, and there is a teacher and an assistant. I did have a long meeting with the teacher and we went over a bunch of stuff that should hopefully keep Charlie on the path of rightousness or whatever.

Apparently what set the thing off was that he got his 'star' taken away that he had earned earlier for good behaviour because he kept answering the teacher's questions and didn't give the other kids a chance to answer. He kept calling out the answers. So he got upset, and it just triggered his behavior.

See, I admire you for being a teacher and having to deal with this on a daily basis. I imagine it is hard sometimes. Well, lots of times really. I am pretty lucky overall. Charlie is in a good school system, and has gotten lots of personal attention.

It was the 'case worker' who mostly got on my nerves.

[cerisaye.livejournal.com]

I think you probably felt much better after venting your understandable frustration with a system that's so quick to judge a child. I'm glad your concerns have been listened to, and I hope Charlie continues to respond to the attention and support he needs. Too often medical people put labels on and prescribe unnecessary medication for those children deemed difficult, i.e. not biddable, quiet and undemanding.

[drakonlily.livejournal.com]

:( I don't know anything about ADD or ADHD, just that no one I went to school with had it and now every third kid I see has it. I agree about drugging up children, I don't think that is the answer, and if Charlie only acts up when he is at school it MUST be something at the school. Is there anyway you could sit and observe the class?